even my farts smell like vagina
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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