Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
