I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Floor bacon is actually really good
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
