Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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