i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
You're like the curious george of whores
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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