It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
