Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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