Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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