don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
