I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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