life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
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Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
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I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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