Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
