somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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