When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
