Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
