u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
