you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
