R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
