Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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