Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
