good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
