I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I wish you could order shots online.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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