i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Sext me about skeletons
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
