I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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