I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
