Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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