Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
