Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
