While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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