Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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