We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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