In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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