I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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