My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
