Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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