I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
