I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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