I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
