In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
