he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
