and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
