Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
