Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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