I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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