Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
