is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
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I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
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I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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