Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
