Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
