Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
