like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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