Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
