peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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