My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
