Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
