Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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