Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
