On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
