Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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