he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
