I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
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