I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
