Taylor Swift is so right about you.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
