you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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