the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
